Six Months Prior

When I Look At You

When I look at you I see beauty and grace. I see joy and youth beaming from your presence. You radiate life and bring so much purpose to my life. I watch you when I’m with you and wonder what you’re thinking and what life looks like from your eyes. I see you in pain and I see you upset and watch you still smile authentically and pour out love from your heart. Your smile is infectious and laughter is contagious. You bring everyone around so much life. Your excitement when your mom comes home is beautiful to watch. Your face lights up and I can only imagine how much joy that moment brings you. I’ve been spending more and more time with you and it’s had such a positive impact on me and my life. But it also scares me shitless because I know what’s coming.

We all worry so much about you. We worry when our last day is going to be with you more than most. I sit here and can’t even begin to imagine what that awful day is going to be like. Grieving the living is such a scary and debilitating thing. Even though I know I can’t stop it from coming, I feel like I have to do something to try. I’m not going to be able to watch your mom’s pain and heartbreak from losing you. I just can’t. My frustrations with God overpour me as I try to fathom why he’s allowing this to happen. Why he’s letting you suffer and experience so much pain and lose so much of your ability to be you. You’re so important to so many people and we need you sweet Miah. Your purpose here isn’t done and I truly believe that even when you’re gone it still won’t be done. We need more time with you, I know you’re fighting so hard everyday but I need you to keep fighting babe.

Your beauty is rare and cherishable. I wonder how you see yourself through your eyes. I wonder if you feel trapped, lost and confused. I wish you could see yourself through my eyes, your mom and dad’s eyes, everyone you mean so much to. You deserve to see how wonderful you are and how much we love you. Do you know how much we all really love you? I’ve been spending time with you since last fall and this week was the first time you told me you loved me and you have no idea how much that meant to me. I really feel like I earned your love and that melts my heart. Your love doesn’t go unnoticed. I hope you know that.

I want you to know that I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I didn’t know Reggie but I can only imagine I would have loved him as much as I love you. I want you to know that I think about Reggie often, I wonder what he would be doing right now and if you miss him. I know he watches over you every day baby and I know he’s getting your one day forever spot ready to spend with him again. I want you to know you mean so much to your beautiful mama. I watch her hold you and look at you and the love literally pours out of her. Sometimes she holds you longer than others and I know she’s truly cherishing those hugs. You’re her rock and she worries about you so much. I want you know that you will never be forgotten and you’ll always have such a special place in my heart. It sits real close, right next to the spot for my son, Valentino. I want you to know that I cherish every moment I get to spend with you and never take them for granted. I’m sorry I can’t fix your DRPLA and that I can’t bring back Reggie. If I could babe, I promise those are the first two things I would do if I found some magic genie somewhere. You’re so strong sweet Miah, you definate get that from your mama, I’ve never met a stronger person in my life. Your mom doesn’t deserve this either. I always am so blown away by her ability to keep her faith and still be struggling with all of this. It’s empowering. I want you to know that you’ve impacted my life and that I’m so grateful I didn’t end my life before getting the opportunity to get to know you. God knew that I needed you in my life and kept me around long enough for that. Sometimes I get angry knowing that we’re going to lose you, it’s not fair. But then I question if you’re suffering if it’s fair for me to wish for more time with you, that’s selfish on my part. I don’t have life all figured out and I probably never will but I want to ask you a favor. When you meet God (which I pray is still a long ways away) will you ask him why he took you from your sweet mama. Why he’s let her go through the loss of three beautiful children. I need to make sense of it all, I know he has a purpose for all of us and clearly a big one for your mom but I need to know why he’s allowing her so much hurt and grief. No one deserves that and your mom is a wonderful person, she’s the last person who needs to grieve another loss. I want you to know you being in my life has changed my life and changed my perspective on living and appreciating the small things. I no longer take for granted the ability to just go and get something to eat or change my own clothes or bathe myself, you’ve reminded me that I need to count those blessings and I truly do when I do those things now. You’ve brought me awareness and I thank you for that. Thank you for teaching me patience, I’ve always been pretty patient, but you’ve enhanced that greatly. I want you to know that I pray for you everyday. I pray you don’t have pain, don’t suffer, get another day to grace us with your presence and pray that you know how loved you are.

Miah, thank you for letting me in and be a part of your life. I will never forget you, never let you be forgotten and never forget the beautiful moments I’ve had with you. You are a real life angel and we are grateful for you. Thank you for being you, beautifully and authentically. Thank you for the laughter, the smiles and the love. You are love and you are loved. You are so beautiful and radiant. I wish everyone in the world had the chance to know your special self. But I definitely feel so blessed to be one of the few people in this world who do get to know you and spend time with you. I carry you with me daily and will when you’re gone. I’m not going to stop praying for you and will continue to be optimistic about our time together. You are so special baby. I love you so much sweet girl. Thank you for everything, please don’t stop fighting.

–By Tatiana

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