Grief is an unwelcome visitor that alters the landscape of our lives with its profound presence. It carries with it an intensity of emotion that can feel insurmountable, leaving us in the depths of despair, thinking “nothing matters.” I’ve uttered those words more times than I can count, especially after the devastating losses of my three children over 17 years. It’s a journey that has taught me not just about the depths of sorrow, but also about the resilience of the human spirit.

In the aftermath of loss, managing expectations becomes a crucial aspect of navigating grief. It’s a lesson I’ve had to learn and relearn with each heartbreak. Grief is not a linear process that can be neatly resolved within a set timeframe. My experience has shown me that grief takes time, and its impact varies significantly based on its context. The loss of my son Reggie, after more than a decade of battling his illness, manifested in ways I hadn’t anticipated. My grief led me to engage in at-risk behaviors, a stark contrast to how I coped with the sudden loss of my daughter in 2021. Her death plunged me into shock and propelled me into a state of active grieving, which surfaced a myriad of emotional and physical symptoms.

1. Give Yourself Grace

The first step in my journey through grief was learning to extend grace to myself. Grief is pain, and it demands to be felt. It’s a process that requires patience and self-compassion, allowing ourselves the space to experience and express our sorrow without judgment.

2. Make Sleep a Priority

Sleep, or the lack thereof, has a profound effect on how we process grief. It’s essential to establish routines that promote restorative sleep, steering clear of temporary fixes like sleep medication or alcohol, which only delay the healing process. Allocating ample time for sleep and adopting good sleep hygiene are practices that have helped me navigate through the darkest nights.

3. Nourish Mind, Body, and Soul

Feeding the mind involves a conscious effort to engage with positive thoughts and educational resources that aid in the grieving process. Nourishing the body with healthy foods rather than succumbing to the comfort of junk food plays a vital role in physical well-being. And tending to the soul, regardless of one’s spiritual beliefs, addresses the existential questions and conflicts that inevitably arise from loss.

There’s a common misconception that grief can be ‘overcome’ within a year. However, the reality is that certain losses, especially those that defy the natural order of life, such as the loss of a child or spouse, require a longer period of active grieving. For me, it took approximately five years after Reggie’s death to feel a sense of control over my grief. It’s a poignant reminder that grief is a personal journey with its own timeline.

As I continue to navigate my path through grief, I’ve found solace in focusing on the concept of the ‘five SELFs.’ This approach encompasses self-awareness, self-care, and self-compassion, guiding those who grieve towards a holistic understanding of their needs during this tumultuous time. It’s about taking care of ourselves in a way that fosters healing and growth, even in the face of unimaginable loss.

In sharing my journey, I hope to offer a beacon of hope to others traversing the rugged terrain of grief. My name is Cristi Bundukamara, and through my experiences, both personal and professional, I’m committed to teaching and learning about the complexities of grief and the resilience of the human spirit.